Dear Spanx,

Dear Sara Blakely,
I am writing to tell you why I loathe your product. After popping out two children via c-section my midsection is anything but toned and trim. Add to that my love for full-fat lattes and my maniacal obsession with all things chocolate or cheesy and you are left with a tummy and thighs that no small amount of airbrushing could improve. Luckily, my rack stayed intact for the most part.

Being a Stay at Home Mom means that part of my job description is to love all things that Oprah approves. When I heard that your power panties were one of her favorite things I was curious. Could I look sleek and slim? Or at least less round and dimply?

While walking through my local Dillard's I noticed a large display of "Spanx" along with a television blasting how awesome I would look if I just dropped $30 USD into your waiting pocket. (okay, so maybe I am paraphrasing, but you get it). The video even pimped Oprah out as she discussed how "life altering" this product was.

Um, yeah...
I bought the "Power Panties" to wear underneath a pair of pants (I so almost wrote slacks... how old am I?!?) that are thisclose to fitting me perfectly.

Your "Power Panties" USD $30 advertisement says this:
"The world's first performance underwear combines the comfort of regular underwear, the feel of hosiery and the power of a shaper. Eliminating the legband creates body-shaping control that's both comfortable and flattering."

Let me break it down for you Spanx Lady- and yes, based on my height and weight I did buy the right size.
"comfort of regular underwear"... well, my "regular" underwear are cotton, and do not require 5-7 minutes and many eff bombs to put on.
"feel of hosiery"... okay. you win on this front. Spanx did feel like hosiery. They also ripped like hosiery when I took them off at the end of the day.
"comfortable and flattering"... flattering? yes... and no. The overall look when I stood perfectly still was a Diva of 10 lbs lighter. However, the look after I moved even one inch was of me yanking my spanx up from rolling down over my waistband. I would hike them back up to the resting place under the ta-ta's and back down they would roll. Sometimes they would stop halfway, somewhere near my belly button, and give me a divine muffin-top belly.
As for comfort... I think everything above answers this, but in case it does not, no, they were not comfortable.
For a parting note, let me quote an episode of "Seinfeld"...

Elaine: Why do they call it a "wedgie"?

George: Because the underwear is pulled up from the back until ... it wedges in.

Jerry: They also have an Atomic Wedgie. Now the goal there is to actually get the waistband on top of the head. It's very rare.

Elaine: Boys are sick.

Jerry: Well what do girls do?

Elaine: We just tease someone until they develop an eating disorder.

Atomically Yours,

Amanda Black