It's hard to write with a monkey on your back

It's official, I am the world's biggest pussy. I can't handle the drugs that I am always seeking. The mere fact that spell check has already corrected this post four times shows me I am a lightweight. I am curious to go back and read this post in a few days to see if I make any sense...

My week started with a kidney infection.... Okay, rest and antibiotics, I can handle.

Cut to me at my dentist appointment on Tuesday... after a cleaning and multitude of x-rays the dentist determined I needed to have my wisdom teeth removed asap. Apparently when you are born the Big Guy decides to throw a couple extras in there to separate the weak from the strong and the insured from the uninsured. The next day I was scheduled to see the oral surgeon.

He explained to me the urgency of my situation, apparently in a rare few individuals (I will call us the Awesome) cysts can form near your wisdom teeth and cause an unbearable (that's my term) amount of pain and pressure. He said those suckers were coming out in the morning.

The 15 hour warning for wisdom teeth removal was actually preferred by me. It gave me less time to panic and waste my well earned Xanax.

The surgery went fine, I think, I was kind of out of it, which is totally a good thing. The anesthesia made me paranoid for the rest of the day, which sucked. Then I began the medicine (hydrocodone and ibuprofen) and the vomiting began.

The day before the oral surgeon had warned me of the side effects of the "strong narcotics". I kind of shrugged my shoulders thinking, "please, I welcome the high that only comes from a good pain killer". I was such a fool.

Now my silly ass can't keep a sip of milk in my stomach without running to the loo to vomit, and I am stuck taking Motrin. That's right folks, the same shit you can buy over the counter at any drugstore, grocery, etc. What was the point of having my gums cut and my "wisers" pulled and dug out if I can not ride that beautiful high for 2-3 days?

I read on People's website that Paula Abdul has battled an addiction to painkillers. Battled, as in past tense. Why Paula? Why release the monkey who has so tightly clung to your shoulders to help you spout crazy nonsensical bullshit on American Idol for years? Believe me, if I had the stomach for it, I would be all over it...